UPDATE: As of the date on this post, I'm 16 weeks along in my pregnancy. This is one of the outfits I wore during TxSC, but I also wore it again to work on the day this was posted :). Sorry for any confusion!
| CLOTHING | White tank (Old Navy), Dress (Urban Outfitters)
| ACCESSORIES | Necklace (one of my designs), Bangles, Horn Bracelet (similar)
| FOOTWEAR | Ankle Boots (similar/same brand)
| PHOTOGRAPHY | Josh Steward
All at once - that's how everything seems to happen. It never really comes in individual waves, just one big tidal wave all at once.
Stop. Deep breath.
I try to remind myself that the moments of stress and strain are opportunities for me to seek out the positive and to be my absolute best. Talk about a challenge. It's exhausting sometimes. My pregnancy has helped me realize just how hard I can be on myself. Regardless of other people's behavior or attitudes, I always expect myself to respond with respect and a peaceful, sound mind. However, trying to do this while maintaining my regular life schedule, in addition to shopping for a house, determining birth arrangements, keeping myself on a healthy eating regimen for this pregnancy, and everything else that comes with growing this sweet, tiny human can be heavy. I'm learning to prioritize. Yes, I can always respond peacefully to situations and with the utmost respect, but there's a line to be drawn afterward. I'm learning that my body is doing an incredible (and incredibly difficult) thing and that everything else in life is just minute in comparison. All of the stresses and strains have to be put on the back burner at times. I've had a few moments where I've literally just stopped, sat down and held my belly. I've hugged this sweet, sweet baby and thanked God for the opportunity to be doing what I'm doing. If that means that while I'm sitting with my arms around this babe that a phone call isn't being answered or a deadline isn't exactly being met, so be it. Everything will get taken care of in it's time. Everything will get done. But now, in this moment I'm stopping. I'm reminding myself that what I'm doing is HUGE and that pausing to take a deep breath and be thankful and be peaceful is ok, if not absolutely necessary.
I feel really vulnerable at this point in my life. The thought of introducing such a deep piece of Josh and myself (baby) to the world, whether on or offline is huge in my mind. Josh and I have faced a lot of difficulty and criticism over the last decade for a number of different reasons. I don't mean to be vague, but specifics just aren't appropriate for this platform. We've had to really stand firm in who we are as individuals, as a couple and what we know to be truth. The thought of experiencing anything even remotely similar to that with a child is terrifying. It could be crippling if I allowed it to be, but the same part of me that keeps the respect and peace flowing in the most chaotic and disrespectful of situations is the same part that whispers - no wait, more like resonates with a unyielding pulse as firm as a drum beat and backed with a blazing fire, reminding me that we will continue to walk through anything that life brings our way with a strong, steady pace. Adversity seems inevitable, but even when my mind goes to an unsure and uneasy place, my heart reassures me of that promise.
I had nightmares/terrors 5 nights in a row at the end of last week and the beginning of this one. None of them had to do with anything I've mentioned or with the baby. They were all really random and unrelated to each other, but they were all intense and kept me from getting any sleep at all. Being pregnant and not getting sleep for 5 days is insane. I don't know how I used to pull all-nighters in college. Those days are loooong gone :). Josh took me to dinner on Tuesday night and we talked about my dreams. It's nice that something as simple as dinner and a solid conversation about life and its experiences can help put me at ease. I went to bed that night, the night after that, and last night with no nightmares, and boy does sleep feel good. I'm so grateful to have a husband, a best friend, who shares every moment of life with me. Even the nerves of pregnancy and the nightmares.
Thanks for reading through all that. The internet is so cool, but it's also a funny thing. It's hard to really get to know each other through a screen. Sometimes I struggle with how I can really convey a deeper level of self to you guys, instead of feeling like I just appear sporadically with cute outfits or funny stories. I love sharing outfits and stories, and will continue to do that - don't get me wrong, but I hope that it's also ok to share more life with you. However honest and raw that may be. I'm not sure where this blog is headed in the future, but I hope to share my life with you as it happens in different stages and developments, and for us that's parenthood and a new little babe. I like to think of myself as a life and style blogger, not strictly one or the other. I'd love to hear your thoughts on venturing into the baby realm of blogging. Do you look forward to seeing that addition to Every New Day?